Big Fat Failure

Rules of emotional Eating: don't do it.

One simple rule, and I blew it. For about five days!!! Well, actually, only one day was emotional eating - Saturday was crappola, but then I went on holidays, and that was the end of that! I don't know anyone who can go away for a few days and not indulge.

Shut up if that person is you!!

So basically, as was promised, I have put on what I lost, and have started all over again.

Sigh.

This time, though, I'm doing it different, because my arse is wobbling like a plate of jelly and I don't really like that I'm losing muscle as well as fat. Not that I AM losing fat!!! So,. this is now the Dukan diet on steroids. Minus the steroids! I miss the gym, and I want to run, and I can barely even walk up a flight of stairs when I'm just eating protein.

So, welcome to week 2 of the Dukan diet, with the addition of toast, and gym. Let's see how this one goes! And NO holidays!!!!

Oh CRAP!!!!

Day Six: My new tricks!

Weighed myself this morning and have lost another 600 grams. That's two kilos now since Monday - rock on! And you need to remember, I've cheated with porridge and a teaspoon of sugar, added oil and balsamic to my tuna lunches so it doesn't stick in my throat like sawdust, and tripled my oat bran.

I think I should become a dietician! My diet is even better than the Dukan!!!

Yesterday was my first real day in which I didn't feel starving, and it's continued today. I did ponder over the large box of chocolates in the staffroom at work for longer than I should have, but never with the actual intention of taking one - if I'd had that intention, my stomach would now be full of full cream dairy milk! I once - a long time ago - went for five months without even a whiff of chocolate, so I know it's possible. And it seems like this might be too; I just have to jump the hurdles of what to eat when I'm out with friends (ok, I know WHAT to eat, I have to figure out how NOT to eat the other stuff!) and I'll be ok.

Food tip of the week: when ravenous and/or wanting a treat, have a skinny cappacino. It has negligable amounts of chocolate powder, is filling, and apparently has no negative impact on this diet - even if, technically I'm not supposed to have it.

Wish me luck as I round out the week!

Day 5: How sweet it is to be loved by ... sad face.

I’ve dropped another 250 grams, and all is well!

Except that I ate sugar.

On porridge.

Let the self-flagellation begin.

To be fair, I ate it yesterday, so the ramifications didn’t make their way directly to my arse. And I was desperate. The lack of carbs was killing me, and when I couldn’t have cake my whole brain went into a frenzy of “if I don’t eat something to spike my energy soon, I’m going to start eating little children in gingerbread houses” or something. Minus the children because if I ever see protein again I’m going to kill myself.

Yeah. And, you know, because they’re children.

I’m having sugar-deprivation bouts of mania!!! But they’re not as bad as they were, because I decided one spoonful of sugar on a very small portion of porridge would be not an epic cheat, and would calm my dizzied nerves. (And I say dizzied literally, because I do feel a little bit like I’m not actually getting enough calories to stay conscious, sometimes. Which is weird because I never at during the day at all, before, and I didn’t feel like this.)

It was the best. Porridge. Ever!

This weekend is going to be the killer. Breakfast with the girls tomorrow will be a no brainer: eggs, bacon, maybe some spinach, it’s all good. But then I’m going out for dinner on Sunday, and I have no idea how I’m going to have the will-power to skip chips and dessert. But, there is the challenge, and it’s my lack of will-power that got me into this mess in the first place, so I simply must learn to say no.

Soup! And steak without chips!

Maybe I’ll just save my money and stay at home. Sad face.

Day Four4: No sweets for my sweets; sugar for my honey.

The first real hurdle of my Dukan experience is drawing near. In about twenty minutes, I will be attending the birthday lunch of one of my friends.

And there will be cake.

I think I need to run away and hide!

So far, this Dukan experience hasn’t been too awful; I’m really enjoying finding elaborate ways to make tasty meals out of a very limited number of ingredients centring around protein and cottage cheese (you leave out the cottage cheese – that’s the key!), and I feel very positive that I can at least lose a few kilos before I fall off the band wagon. I’ve even switched back to having milk and not soy in my coffee, because I did kind of get used to it in soy-free Europe, and skinny milk is so unbelievably less in fat than the soy most cafes use (the full fat stuff) that I figure, if I want my coffee, which I do, I’ll have to make that small sacrifice. I tried to give up coffee altogether but between the caffeine deprivation headaches, and the carb withdrawal headaches, I felt like I was circling the energy drain all day. I figure caffeine is a better alternative than popping ibuprofen four times a day.

 But there’s one thing I’m not coping with. Not at all. It haunts my dreams. My brain wants it all day long.

Sugar.

Oh my good lord! I miss SUGAR!

I love sugar. If you’d asked me before do I have a sweet tooth, I would have said no – I’ve always been a savoury girl. Give me chips, give me Arnotts shapes, give me those little English sandwiches with the crusts cut off. And cheese. But, though also depriving myself of those goodies, I’m not missing them. Much. But I am CRAVING sugar! It’s the one thing that I believe is going to knock me off this descent into dieting madness. I don’t normally even eat that much cake, or put that much sugar in my tea, or have it in my coffee at all, but now all I want is any food that has at least 30 grams of pure, processed goodness. Stat.

I want to bathe in it. I want to exfoliate myself in it. I want it to sink into my very pores.

But through my mouth; because otherwise, what is the point?

I saw an ad for Mars Bars last night, and I nearly cried. And I don’t even like Mars Bars usually! And now this call for cake has me considering the option that I could cheat, and then go for a run for a really, really long time.

That would work right? If I didn’t fall right off the treadmill in a dizzying  heap because I haven’t consumed enough energy to run for even thirty-five seconds?

Has anyone else been through this? How long before the sugar cravings fade? Before I stop looking at people’s faces and imagining their heads are gigantic lollipops? Because otherwise, this diet is working out really well. Otherwise I feel I could go this next five and a half weeks until I reach the utterly ridiculous goal that Mr Dukan has set for me.

But can I do it without cheating on sugar?

God give me strength!!!

Day three: wowwee!

I felt a little despondent yesterday: sometimes, cake is all that’s promising to get you through the day, and sometimes, people are throwing cake and biscuits at you and it’s SO HARD to say no! And I’ve had a headache from not eating carbs for about twenty four hours that’s really starting to get a little much, to be honest! I haven’t dieted in about three years, much less gone cold-turkey on absolutely everything I love to eat, and after only two days I was wondering where my strength and resolve was going to come from if I ever had a really crappy day and needed chocolate. Which, let’s be honest, is going to happen one day, because it seems to be part of my contract to get curveballs at least once a week.

Oh my God. What am I going to do when I get my period, for God’s sake?!!

But today was weigh-in day. Highly sceptical, I almost put it off. I was sure that if I hadn’t lost at least a kilo – as promised by Mr Dukan – I would fall off the wagon immediately and start hoeing into bread like there was no tomorrow. I was so close to consuming a whole bag of delicious wholemeal toast last night, it wouldn’t have taken much persuading! And yes, I know that it’s very much not normal to expect to lose over a kilo in two days, but therein lies the promise of this insane diet: completely deprive yourself for speedy results. Or else what’s the point? So, sceptical but hopeful at the same time!

And what to do you know?

It worked.

After two days of eating – not starving, I have lost weight.

After two days of no carbs; two days of no surplus fats; two days of doing my bit to promote live exports and the slaughtering of animals for years to come, I have lost weight.

Over 1.5 kilos, to be precise. That, my friends, is pretty phenomenal!

So, day three I have tightened the reigns on the optimism and loosened the scepticism. It helps a lot that, from today I can eat veggies again, and this is starting to look like a normal diet – albeit, only every two days! But I sure do love all the steak!!

Salmon tonight.  Who said dieting was about depriving yourself? And onto a goal of at least another kilo by next week.

Hmmm. What’s so significant about that? I could lose a kilo by eating chocolate at least once a week.

Methinks scepticism will continue to reign unless I can lose, like, two more kilos!! Game on!

Day Two - Feeling Full

Day two, and so far so good I suppose. By the time I got home last night, I was famished, and still faced a trip to the supermarket to buy all the things I hadn’t yet thought to buy. I thought I might eat my own head, but that’s not allowed on the Dukan diet! I find that my cupboard is full of food that is a no-no on the Dukan! I can’t believe lentils are the enemy, because lentils are my best friend! Lentils, and pasta and rice – Oh My!  I don’t know if I can ever eat lentils again, but rice and pasta will be allowed in one hundred days time.

ONE HUNDRE DAYS?!!! I’m practically Italian – how do I live without pasta and rice?!

I have discovered that my birthday falls 95 days into the diet, and that is going to be my first celebration meal. Stuff it. If I can’t eat chocolate cake on my birthday, then I have nothing else to live for!!!

Last night, it was difficult to imagine how protein was going to fill me up at dinner, with my oat bran as well of course, and I have a feeling that I perhaps overdid it. It does say that I can eat whatever I want of the foods on the list, but surely a 150g steak, with an egg, 5 or 6 turkey slices and a small pot of natural yoghurt and oat bran is going too far? But I was full, and without feeling sick because I just ate my own body weight in calories as per usual.

By the by, I had my cholesterol tested last year and it was fine. Wonder if I’ll be able to say the same after this!! Can’t be any worse than bingeing on chocolate and chips though, I suppose. (Oh the good times!)

With some hot English mustard as my flavour addition, dinner was actually pretty magnificent. As I said, I rarely allow myself the treat of a good steak; the turkey slices were merely what I would have been allowed to snack on during the day, and didn’t. I guess my iron count will start to go up; I’m anaemic due to my years of abstaining from meat (it’s a money thing, not a vegetarian thing, and I can’t stand the smell of it cooking, though I do love to eat it). So that’s positive number two. I do have to say, however, that oat bran and natural yoghurt is pretty much one of the most unappetising things I’ve ever had to endure. I don’t believe natural yoghurt is really supposed to be eaten on its own, and unless you grew up with that kind of thing, it’s just tart and basically unpleasant. I’m hoping once the attack phase is over that I can give that one the flick.

On the downside, even after a day, I can tell I haven’t eaten enough fibre – even though I ate half a cup of oat-bran instead of a tablespoon, and sucked down that psyllium like it was orange juice! My attack phase was supposed to last 2-3 days, and I was planning on erring on the side of caution and going three, but I think I have to downsize two or it won’t be pretty – not to mention painful. I’m reminded that every single member of my father’s family has had major bowel surgery, and know that I can’t afford to be stupid. So, starting tomorrow I can include things like green beans, spinach and cabbage, which are really high in fibre. We’ll see how I go after that. I don’t necessarily think I’m cheating because I think those veggies are pretty cavolo anyway; they’re not the ones I would choose in my normal vegetable diet!

Yes indeed, so far so good. I’m supposed to have lost .8 of a kilo by the end of today. So sceptical!!! But at the end of the day, except for knowing that carbs are a good thing occasionally, I don’t feel like I’m eating too badly. But I’m fully expecting to have put on weight, not lost it. All I’m eating is animal fat, for God’s sake!

We’ll see, I guess. We’ll see!  

Day One. Starting off Fun!

Day one:

As with all diets in the beginning, I’m felt particularly optimistic this morning when I got up, rearing to go. Automatically, I was struck by the first positive of this “bad” diet – in doing it properly, it is forcing me to eat breakfast, which I don’t normally do. Well, unless you count a large soy latte as breakfast which I usually would, but as soy milk is a big no-no on the attack phase of the Dukan – maybe forever, I can’t quite figure that out - I’m being forced to re-evaluate.

Breakfast was a scrambled egg with no additives beyond a tablespoon of milk and a dose of salt. Not too bad. Even though Mr Dukan stresses that one must not stray from any aspect of his menu during the attack phase, or I won’t lose any weight, I made the independent call that the history of bowl issues in my family, and the 3 measly grams of fibre that the Dukan diet allows you in this phase, is an idiotic combination. Moronic. And I’m not sure how anyone can pass a motion on this diet. Big time negative number one, and one I’m not willing to stick to. So I’m tripling the amount of oat bran I can have, and supplementing with Metamucil as well. So there. if the Dukan diet doesn’t work because of psyllium, then I can’t believe it was ever going to. The oatbran was for morning tea, but I wasn’t organised enough to have bought yoghurt yet, so it’s still sitting in my bag.

Interesting observation, first off, is how hungry I feel. I skipped morning tea, but I skip morning tea every day, which means I don’t generally eat until lunch time. But I’ve had breakfast, and I’m feeling the starvation-like symptoms of kick starting my metabolism and having nothing to back it up with! A colleague has already tried to offer me chocolate and a muesli bar but so far, I’m still on track. Go me! Looking forward to my tuna and yoghurt – which I will buy – for lunch. Then steak and more oat bran! I never eat steak, so I’m looking forward to the treat, actually!

On the low point, I have a bit of a headache now, which I know is down to my sudden and insane caffeine deprivation – total cold turkey. I don’t think I’ve started a day without a good strong coffee – maybe two – in a decade. This, people, is quite symbolic of my determination to properly review this diet. I am giving up my vice! I must be more mental than I thought!

It all sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But this is the attack phase. I’m not quite sure why you have to only eat protein for three days (up to ten depending on your projected weight loss), but I’m not here to question, just to eat and observe. In three days, I’ll be munching on vegetables every other day and in 100 days, I can eat fruit and bread. And pasta. And even go out for dinner twice a week! Imagine that.

On paper, by the time I get to that 100 day mark, I’ll actually be eating quite normally for someone who eats a healthy diet.

It’s just that getting to the 100 day mark is going to be the challenge!

A time for action - but to do the Dukan?

My name is Collette, and this is my story:

I’ve never been really thin, and I don’t want to be – I was quite happy with the way it all portioned itself out, but up until a few months ago, I was happy with my body: I was in healthy weight range, and I fit into a lot of really nice clothes. I really like clothes! But then a few months ago, a few things happened simultaneously:

1.      Life got nasty, so I took off to the Continent for three months of therapeutic eating. It was fantastic. I got to hide all of my emotional problems in gigantic bowls of gelati and massive servings of spaghetti carbonara. The real stuff, which is a trillion squared times better than the fake stuff you get over here! And crème brulee.

2.     I came back fully expecting to be over it, and realised I was not. In fact, I hadn’t even begun to process anything; I’d simply run away. But I’d sure fallen in love with the idea that food solves everything.

3.       I put on more weight after returning than I did in three months abroad. Probably double. And this means that a lot of my kilos cannot be blamed on the simple deliciousness of France or Italy, but on chips and Cadbury chocolate bars. Which is just a waste!

 But I feel like I can let go of the food, now, and maybe try a little experimenting. And today’s experiment is going to be The Dukan Diet.

Don’t get me wrong, here. Whilst I am – like everyone – out for a quick fix, I also realise I’m probably setting myself up for failure in this one. The Dukan Diet is practically an all protein blowout that seems unsustainable in the long run. But at the moment, I’m being battered by this diet in many forms:

-          My friends are doing it.

-          My parents’ friends are doing it.

-          Kate Middleton did it! (And I do love a good princess!)

-          I want to fit into a new dress that I’ve never worn since five minutes after I bought it, I started eating mayonnaise like it was going out of style!

-          I need something new to write about. This could be interesting, if I get the perfect mix of cynicism and willingness to keep going!

Basically, if I fail, that’s ok. I’m pretty sure I can just go back to healthy eating and leave it at that. But I would like to chart my progress on this controversial diet. The specifications I’ve been given by the highly dubious “official” website claim I’ll lose a hell of a lot of weight in 6 weeks – I can’t even see how it’s possible; let alone do I actually want to! Their idea of my healthy weight is not mine!

So, welcome to “Super-Shrink Me!” In which every day, I will chart what I am doing, how I am going, how I am feeling giving up my last real crutch ... and if it actually works?!